Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because
if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot
live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I
can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be
skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff,"
-- Mariah Carey [now we know why she's such a sensitive actress]
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your
life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal
antismoking campaign.
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Dan Quayle [days like this....I really miss Dan]
"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another"
-- George Bush, US President
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman
Einstein,"
-- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
-- Dan Quayle
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have is that I
didn't study my Latin harder
in school so I could converse with those people."
-- Dan Quayle, VP [I mean it, I really do miss him!]
"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago!"
-- Dan Quayle, VP
"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself.
It is different from the other 49 states.
Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."
-- Dan Quayle, VP [they made him swim home after that one]
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received
notice that you passed away. May God bless
you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
-- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr.
Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the
police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the
police farce."
-- Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to
bed and it will monitor their heart
throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be
a record."
-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman [and they'll cut off your food stamps]
And below:- how stupid do manufacturers think we are!
Subject: Instructions
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions
on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (and that's the only time I
have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside." (the shoplifter special?)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and
you thought?..)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this
because?....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as
opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or
genitals."
(..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
