dear heart:
muahahaha! and i still prevail... i dont care what anyone says... im keeping you... and if ure the thing that'll make him stop loving me, then let it be... it wasnt that strong to begin with then...
ANYway... i was watching the PCN videos... and i remembered EVERYthing back then... how life revolved around that one night... and it was the best night ever... i remember the thrill to be next to him while she hung all over him... i still never understood why he would choose me over a junior... a cheerleader at that... a pretty peppy lil thing that would have sex with him... i was just the stupid sophomore who couldnt even imagine sex before marriage... i was ironically that "virgin who can't drive" who josh fell in love with... well not love actually... that is a very stupid word... but i can remember behind the scenes... those curtains behind the people performing was me and him... sitting across of each other... wishing each other luck... we both knew his gf was out in that audience with a rose waiting for him... whilest i had nothing... but this senior sitting across of me... telling me i'll be great... and before we get up for our cue... he kisses my cheek softly "for luck"... because he was my friend... was it just for that? all those times u fed me strawberry cheescake ice cream and licked it off my nose... and when you would come right after school just to see me even thought you know your gf left already... and every night you'd call me and sing me that butterfly song... i would sneak to the living room just to talk to you... and we'd laugh until the morning comes... but not too loud or my parents would kick me off... you'd offer to come over and make my whole family breakfast... and those times when we went to miller's outpost and picked clothes for each other to try on... and when you'd watch totoro with me... eventually you'd end up tugging me towards you and you'd hold me... ever so softly... and you'd play with my ear using my hair... was all that because you were my friend?!
i dont know why im talking to him through this blog... i havent talked to him since GOD KNOWS WHEN... before i even met my first love... and i guess if he hadn't broken up with her... if he just waited until she did it... then i never would have avoided him... and i would have ended up BEING with him... and i never would have even thought about meeting... you know who...
its funny but i think things really do happen for a reason...the clarity that comes with randomness is really uncanny... i wrote this because i remembered how fun that time was... and how insanely picky i was with guys... and thank god i was... because i found the right guy, i guess... i chose to stick around and see what this emotionally constipated boy had to offer... and it turns out he was everything i always wanted and needed... he was an awesome boyfriend... he really was... i used to mean so much to him... and i dont know what happened over the last few months... since he met her... i guess everything changed... and since then, its never ever been the same... he's never been the same... i don't even know him sometimes... he's not the guy i fell in love with... he isnt... but sumtimes he shows me a hint of what he used to be and i get all excited thinking he's gonna come back... but every day he drifts away farther and farther and i NEED TO REALIZE that! my GOD! how moronic hope can be... the cosmic irony of it all... this web journal was my effort to tell him how i felt... to show him what the fuck he was doing to me... to see my side of the story... but... "it doesnt matter what i think.." it just matters what HE thinks... and what HE feels... what HE wants me to do to make his life just peachy... this relationship doesnt even concern me anymore... im just here for support...
*random thoughts and speculations*
- white gold ring... is he getting one from another girl? oh my, are they getting it for each other?
- friend's house alibi... is he there all the damn time? or does he leave an hour before he is actually home to go fuck a random girl or the girl he's been seeing for quite a while now?
- what does he do while im at work?
- how many times has he lied to me?
- the phone exchanging deal... did he give his damn phone to another girl? he likes to give those away dont he? so he can keep em on check... thats y its so easy (happy go lucky) for him to get it back...
- i really CAN live without him, huh?
- why does he want me to get rid of you? so no one will ever know we are still seeing each other? i TOLD u im the ghost gf that he doesnt mention or acknowledge... im just there... i know this has something to do with someone else...
- dont expect him to remain faithful... his words, not mine...
- the seat felt funny in his car... who has he been driving with?
- i still love him... but does it mean i have to be with him?
- does he still love me or does he just feel the need to say it?
- is all of this really worth it? im hurt, he's hurt... lets stop the hurt and just let go... we're too painful for each other...
- im gonna give into him arent i?
DAMMIT!
... k he didnt answer... thank god! to think i was gonna just give up... to not stand my ground anymore... he does that to me doesnt he?
ooh! one more random thought and speculation:
- who is he talking to right now? i know he talks to someone this late...
