dear heart:
what a kiss! i havent been kissed like that since last year... with his passionately powerful lips... they drive me nuts... yummy... wanna taste my hunny again... hehe... oh i dont know... its been a while since he's really kissed me... trying to treasure and remember the moment... memory locked... ok im over it... theres just sumthing about him i guess that drives me wild... haha... its true! shit... i hope we make it to our 2 year anniversary... please god... dont let me leave until then... let me stay here... let me love...
oh we went to the mall and he said "look! your bf is working" so im guessing he's talking about joe... hah! i didnt even notice... well im getting a lil sleepy... he wore me out i guess... muah to him...
dear heart:
its 3:00 in the AM and im still wide awake... what is wrong with me?! im not unhappy... actually ive been the opposite... since thursday, my hunny has acted a bit more decent to me... i dont even know if i should call him my huny cuz i dont know if he is... but anyway... i get to see him in 12 hours... and im oh so very excited... it always seems like forever since i saw him last... hehe... i was reading some old conversations that we have and my goodness gracious we love each other... we were seriously in love... and these letters he wrote were purely genuine... *gasps in amazement*... hahahaha... i think im going crazy... and my first yawn of the evening
or shall i say morning has escaped my chapped lil lips... i dont want to move to vegas... please... they'd have to drag me there if they want me to go so damn badly... or they can just threaten to pay for nothing and leave me here... im just gonna miss everyone, is all... i doubt anyone will miss me though... i think im quite insignificant in other people's lives... while each person touches a lil eensy weensy part of me... all of my friends are going every which way anyway... some to DC, to san francisco, or just staying here... which wll be 4 hours away from me... *sigh i hope things with my baby improve even more so we can cherish the time we have together... no more stupid fights... no more hurting each other... just love until i have to leave... just each other... just me and you...
dear heart:
have you heard that song by brandy called anybody?
I didn't want to have to say this to you
It's not that I don't love you
I just can't be explaining to everyone why you hurt me
That's why I want to keep us between you and me
You'd understand if you were treated like me
It's not that people run me
But they can see when I am hurtin'
They know it's not me
So don't make me the blame
You need to change
You say later, you're not ready
To make a commitment to me
It will take some time
Should've known before we started
You act one way when you are around me
When you are in public you are so different
I know that you treat me bad
But I can't get away
Let's just keep it undercover
I don't wanna be embarrassed so
I know that people would never understand me
'Cause they can only judge whatever they see
And I know what they'll say if they look at me
If I had all the answers to what they would ask
Still they wouldn't realize the love that we have
So now I have to deal with living secretly
'Cause for me love is worthless with no you and me
And it should be clear how I ride for you but
Tell me if I've made it clear to you
If you can't understand this then maybe we need
To give up on each other until you believe
Everything we go through is all because of you
And you don't have to do the things that you do
'Cause I've been the same since we began
So baby, will you make a change?
dear heart:
the status of my relationship is still unknown... but most likely we're still not together... and to think its our year and 7 month anniversary... 19 loooong months... and i have to stop and wonder if he still loves me... does it really matter? because if he does or not, he doesnt act like it either way... and im so scared to call him... scared of where he is or what he's doing... its his vacation and i doubt he's spending a day with me... and im trying not to care... im scared to care about anything... because all it does is hurt me... i finally called and i knew he wouldnt pick up... i dont even know whats worse... knowing where he is but leaving me cuz everything else is more important and fun than me... or him not picking up and have me wonder if he's taking advantage of our break with some stupid slut... *sigh* i didnt even talk to him today... no effort to contact me at all... and of all days- today... but i dont care (right?)... im a strong girl... i hafto be... especially now... when no one cares or loves me... i must rely on me... "i think i miss you most... on tuesdays and saturdays... and i just wanted you to know TV night... was lonely without you... and so am i... so am i" ok i miss him! condemn me now!!! im sorry... i really cant help it... ive been tryin to be strong all day stopping myself from calling him and just torturing myself with another good bye im busy... my goodness... i need to get used to not talking to him... cuz i know he's out there having the time of his life... without me... and maybe thats why its the time of his life,... cuz im not there... im just a burden... im not a source of happiness anymore... just a basket of trouble... and he is my well of tears... i dont know why im writing this... it doesnt help me... i just get sadder cuz i cant tell him any of this... i cant even bring us up... i cant even talk to him... he's too busy for me... i'll be ok... don't worry...
stupid jessica from work with the huge nostrils... i was jealous, i must admit... but everything is coo now... haha its fine and dandy... ok thas it... cant be happy... bye
dear heart:
today was just a kick back day... i did everything i didnt have to do... and accomplished nothing but peace of mind... but its all good... i sang karaoke and perfected the spanish version of journey to the past... "en un viaje... tiempo atraaaaas'! heehee... and i played betrayal in antara... i dont know... nothing really significant today... i talked to chris... but thats not new... he wants to be an old ahg who lives alone... while im a princess... at the ripe age of 16... sings and frolics around the forest and moores... finally being rescued from my mediocre royal life by my prince charming... and whisks me away to a far off kingdom where i am ridiculed and outcasted... but i care not for i have the prince's love and that is all that matters... we live in hiding and repopulate our dwelling area with lil irritating offspring... im so excited... haha... sorry... got carried away there... or i can live with the old hag and be one of his evil minions... muahahahaha!
i love these dreams! maybe i will marry a man who leads two lives... no! not a gay prostitute... like a real estate broker by day.... and superman by night... or at least some type of hero that keeps my life on the edge.... being kidnapped by villians trying to get to him... but nevertheless good prevails... he will save me and wen we get home... we make love on the couch... on the dining table... the kitchen floor... and then the bed... and repopulate our apartment building until the other tenants complain... accuse us of child labor... but thats ok... cuz we'll just sell em for 8 shillings a head... and then i can use the money to make his tights and have him wear his undies over them... cuz each time he gets home... im ripping that clean off his back... so he can relax from a hard days work... haha... i dont know how these sexual thoughts are escaping my innocent lil head... hahaha... im going crazy, i swear...
what other creepy crawly things are running through my head...
dear heart:
heres the real entree of the night... we broke up and i fear for the last time... but i promised myself not to fight it anymore... ive finished looking at everything we've been through... every letter, every picture, every gift wrapping, every movie stub, even every car... *sigh... and i will be ok... see, all those things... that was the past... and its never coming back... no matter how hard i try or look back... he will never be like that again... he will never NOT cuss at me when we argue... he will never choose me over his friends... he'd rather hang with them... he will never just love me for everything i am...
let me reminisce about my past favorite memories... i remember when he took me to the beach... sum drunk waded into the water and was arrested... and it was cold but he kept me warm... and then i had a tummy ache but he kissed me and made me feel better...
or i still remembe this one time when he came home from san luis obsipo and instead of going home he visited me... i missed him so much... and he came...
we just loved each other so much more back then... i kind of wish i didnt find out about ji... that they just broke up and we were ok... so joe wouldnt have to happen... my heart would still have been intact and not being blown around by the wind just waiting for sumone to pick up the piece...
just got done talking to him again... ahh! i dont need that right now! and whats funny is the relationship he is offering is so... ew! like i shouldnt expect him to be faithful, and he wont get back with me but he'll still see me (in other words fuck me), and he can talk to me however the fuck he wants and we all know how much i hate cussing, and he wants to control me... wow! im SO looking forward to that... haha... my goodness... its not worth it and i know it... yeah i love him... but i just saw right now how much he didnt love me... and i will be ok with that because someone in this world will love me better... and this time REALLY love me... i know all the shit he'll say and all the thoughts he'll think... but why does that matter to me... he is never going to be my boyfriend again... ever! until i see that guy i fell in love with come back to me... forget it... cuz i know he's long gone... and ive missed him for so long...
ive got to realize... all i have right now is me... and my friends... and i love them... and im happy... everything will be ok... i need to call back one more time...
Effective treatments are available that greatly alleviate the suffering caused by bipolar disorder and can usually prevent its devastating complications. These include marital break-ups, job loss, alcohol and drug abuse, and suicide.
dear heart:
wut an incredibly interesting weekend... ok lets see... friday was my hunny's day and went to kuya's house... ive already explained that in a previous entree tho... saturday was sadies and it was so much fun... he got all pissed and we had a huge fight about our limitaions with other people and being fair... that night he told me shit like its the last straw and that he cant trust me anymore... and im assuming this means break up... and honestly if he just decides to do it one day... i say fuck it... his loss... i wont even compromise myself to that "i need time to think" crap... u either wanna be with me or not... and if not, see ya... ima be living the single life... why should i hold my life back for someone who doesnt wanna be with me? think about it... im not a moron anymore... but thas besides the point cuz when i mentioned not seeing him again excpet for one more time, he's all who said we werent seeing each other anymore?
i really dont understand him sumtimes... why must he play these mind games... and FYI: im not begging him to stay with me anymore... im tired of fighting for him... and my opponent is ironically him...akk... how frustrating... and sunday was the honors elite sleepover... it was awesome... and then he picked me up today... it was fun being with him...
but to be sincerely turthful with u... im scared... i dont mean to be suspicious but i really feel somthing odd... like theres someone else... maybe a "secret friend" he hangs out with a lot now... like he told me they were watching tv but i didnt hear anything in the background... and he says his "friend's" house... which one? cant he just say *al? but no... he says "friend" so maybe later wen he isnt with *al he can play it off...
o please dont betray me again... im seriously going to start having convulsions and just go insane... please... if you feel anything for me... if i meant anything to you at all... if you have any compassion in that lil heart of yours... please... im begging you... dont hurt me again... i just wont be able to handle it next time and then i'll be gone... and its all my fault for giving you a stupid second chance and allow us to hurt each other further... im gonna go to bed now... im REALLY tired... i just wish things could be a little more like it used to be... but i promise, breyer's ice cream... im not gonna be bad... im gonna be all yours... all of me... my heart, my eyes, my smile... its all for you... so please, try to do the same... because im doing my best to make you happy...
i love you
dear heart:
im finally done with the dandy dream story i had last night... *yawn* but now im too tired to wrte anything else... im just happy because he was actually nice to me towards the end of the day... heehee... my baby is sexay! lol... then after i went to kuya's house... i just laughed the whole time... weekends are the best days ever... fuck weekdays man! nooo... but im excited for the honors elite party/ slumber party on sunday... its gonna be sacramento and retreat put together but made better... planning not to sleep... excpet for the webbhead... cuz she just needs it... count on me to keep ya'll up! i'll do a lil dance... make a lil love... get down tonight... good night... wish me luck on the rest of the weekend...
dear heart:
before i tell you about anything i must tell u about my dandy dream last night!!
i was in a hotel/motel bathroom and he was knocking on my door to hurry up... but then for some reason i just bust out of there and push him onto the bed and start kissing him passionately... and at first he is reluctant and discumbobulated but then he begins to kiss back and rips my shirt clean off my back... and this is happening in front of a friend of his... when we're done i slip a letter decorated in red thingys... i think they were hearts... well i just went to bed and wanted to think it never happened... and then i woke up in my own bed still curled up the same way... so i went to work but it was some new building and since my title is like the lowest of the low (it was a pay raise not a title one) the bosses made me look for some obscure object near the back... but there were spiders so i thought... AKK! but then i bumped into him... and i thought we'd be all weird but instead of making a crack about wut a wimp i was... he crawled under there and got it for me... wen he got out all dirty, i wiped the excess dust from his shirt... then i blurted out: "i had a weird dream about sleeping with you"... i studied his face but it looked sort of embarassed and i noticed a lil letter with red marks insterted in his left shirt pocket (next to his heart)... "it wasnt a dream" and we both looked away... so now im thinking that this couldnt really have happened cuz im just not like that... and then all these people came... i guess it was his friend's relatives... and they all brought food for a pot luck... i was expecting him to walk away and pretend he was never even standing next to me before they thought anything... but he just stood there... a lil closer... almost protective of me... like he didnt want any family members to run me over with their drive for food... and then this weird feeling between us began to flow... we didnt even touch... we just stared at each other as everyone else passed us by... and then i guess the rest of the time we were just talking... like engaged in a normal conversation... and i made him laugh and smile... suddenly an unruly group of guys came and he looked panicked... and as if it was the most natural thing in the world, he held my hand and led me away... and wen we were safe under a cherry tree, he still didnt let go... "they're stupid" he said softly... then it skips to later... and we're in bed, i guess after a morning romp... (i still dont understand where this hotel/motel scene emerged from) but my back was turned away from him and he was on his back just looking at the ceiling... then he looks over at me... rolls me over so im hugging him and then he kisses my hair... i see him smile... then we're getting dressed and his friend is knocking on his door telling him that the party is downstairs and that everyone is waiting for him... so i change fast and was about to hide when he tugs me from behind and wen i turn around he kisses me softly on the nose... and i rush to my room across the hall... then im going down to the party and kinda look for him... but he isnt there... wut i dont know is he's wating for me in front of my door but i came out too soon so he missed me... but he comes down eventually and goes straight to his friends (the unruly boys) but eventually locks eyes with me... and in the middle of his friends sentence, he raises a hand to shut him up and cuts through the crowd to me... i try to act like this happens everyday... like i havent been waiting for this moment all my life... and he just tugs my hair playfully and i smile...
do i know you?
dear heart:
ironice how everything in life happens when it does... things are going from bad to worse... i dont know where he is, or where he is going or why... no one wants to talk to me about it... am i supposed to pretend like i dont know whats going on again... i really dont... i dont understand... please explain some things to me first... and why isnt anyone telling me anything?! why do i think he is cheating on me again... just the way he answered that phone and putting me on mute... and being so urgent about studying for math... i dont want to be with anyone anymore... he can take whoever he was secretely talking to behind my back and be with her instead... i dont want to need him anymore... or love him... i dont want to love anyone... its a stupid concept... love... make me barf... do you think killing myself will bring them together? running away maybe? im trying to be strong like them... cuz they seem to be doing ok... i dont know what they feel inside or anything... and i doubt they'd tell me... im gonna miss my daddy... i really never thought i'd have to... there are a milion and one things going on inside of me... when will all the pain stop?
soon... thats all i have to say... soon...
dear heart:
i dont even know where to begin... i dont know where to turn... please just let me die... please help me to understand the point of starting when it's just gonna end eventually... my head hurts really badly... and im sad... and no one is here for me... i dont want anyone to be anyway... i cant... bye
dear heart:
this weekend was the best ever! i swear... there should be more days like those that have just passed... *smile... friday i saw my baby... saturday i saw a movie... and i was reminded of so many happier things i used to go through... then marie's party... even though it was some lil kid party, they had a fucking moon bounce! oh HELL ya! it was just incrediby fun playing air hockey, pool (and yes, *j, i realize it is much different from pool online), basketball, and DDR... hey im learning! stop laughing at me! it was just so awesome... especially suffocating under the moon bounce with people! lol... but ya... then yesterday, we all went to six flags... man... let me tell you... SJ girls are just so damn neato! we had the best time just being who we were... and trying to find batman was funny! haha! i will never forget "i have balls. they just need a little nudging"... i think 4 damn times was enough nudging, dont ya think? and then we headed for rebs' house around six and agreed to go to the block... it was just 'nique, yvette, rebs, and me cuz everyone else was too tired... oh well.... the missed out on a buncha girl talk... it was a great experience hanging out with ppl i dont usually kik it with... i cant wait for the honors elite slumber party...! ok im going to bed... love ya!
dear heart:
horsscope time
The emotional closets need to be opened, examined and emptied -- and you need to figure out what is weighing you down, what you should be using and what can be of benefit to someone else. You need to take those old issues, wounds and riddles out and give each of them a good going over. You and somebody else need to talk about those things that you've been avoiding for a while now. Although it may be painful at the beginning, by the time all is said and done, you'll be smiling
dear heart:
"in real life i could be that anonymous nerd sitting across from you in chem lab, staring at you so hard. Then when you turn around he tries to smile, but the smile just comes out all wrong. You think, "how pathetic." THen he just looks away, and never looks back at you again."
"i'm scared of everything! im scared of what i saw, im scared of what i did, oh who i am, and most of all i'm scaredof walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way i fell when i'm with you!"
pure sweetness...
dear heart:
man... everything was just so damn irritating today... i broke down in tears cuz i couldnt stand it... and he didnt help much... it sucks too because i think we've come to the point of stinginess... where we point out all the instances when we paid for the other person and how much we make... and all this bullshit... i dont even know... everything is fucking different... its not even the money thing...
after hours of deep thought ive finally come to the conclusion of why he is so ashamed of me... its because im a kid... and it would be embarassing having a dumb kid as your gf... but dont you think its a little embarassing having an unfriendly bf who everyone mistakens for a snob... "is he even nice to you?" god! but you know what... im not ashamed to be seen with him... he's my man for a reason... i love him and it doesnt matter what other people think... why cant he just see that?
also to my dismay i have realized he doesnt love me as he once did... i mean, he has loved someone else... more than me... where he would sacrafice all we had for the sake of being with her... begging and crying to her each time she threatened to leave him... if you truly loved someone... if he truly love me, he couldnt have been able to do that or feel that for another person... but you know what, he did... i used to be "unreplaceable"... oh god... i really meant a lot to him... what did i do to change that? was it just that he got to know me better? i know he loved me! fuck! he really did, didnt he... im so jealous of myself back then... he was madly in love with me... he actually listened to me and was interested in what i was saying... he couldnt wait to see me... and he started missing me after a day... and he never wanted me to be sad... but now when i am... he says he hates it when i "get all depressed like that" and to call him when im not anymore... see the dynamics of it all... the "b" i knew would never have let me go right now... he never would have just given up on us like that... im going to bed... still loving him... but im defeated... so fuck it... bye
dear heart:
its been awhile since ive written a decent entree... ive just been so preoccupied with the whole new "catch a fallen angel" section... but yes... i have returned... i have drama that cant be expressed with random poetry... i need to vent and talk... to you... well i just came home from a long day to nothing... absolutely nothing... no boyfriend (well maybe a 5 second one)... not even a nice good bye came with that... i just want to run away... from everything right now... it was a fucking hard day... i tried to pretend like i was happy... and smile at everyone who criticized me... and all i needed was any nice words from him... even a simple "how was your day" or even just a fucking "hi"... but no... i got a "your phone is messed up. im going to sleep now. and no i cant see you because im sick but i will be spending the whole damn day at my friends house NOT sleeping..." ugh! i dont know sometimes... really... i feel it... like theres everything wrong with this relationship... we're not supposed to be together... i just know it... we were supposed to end a long time ago... how could i stay with someone who fucked another girl and lied to me everyday for months... how could he stay with someone who lied to him and liked someone else besides him... the big questions basically boil down to the one small question of WHY?! what the hell are we doing? what are we trying to prove? dont we see that happiness lies in another relationship? ugh! why cant i believe that? why am i still in love with him? why cant i get over it already... shit... do i think he's the only guy out there? cuz i kno there are others... ones who will treat me like a fucking princess... the ones who will never make me cry... instead... i will make them cry... or ones who dont find me strange... but appreciate every atom that makes me all that i am... to never be embarassed of me... maybe even show me off... like: "ya bitch! what? this is MY girlfriend"... but i guess that wont be anytime soon... me and tina always talk about that one perfect guy who wont hurt us... and we just get all excited thinking about finally meeting them... i feel better... some guys arent morons...
