dear heart:
im starting to loathe happiness... for i know its all an illusion... his illusions... to keep me near... those 3 bullshit words... "i love you"... his most powerful weapon... he claims he loves me... and as he holds me close, i believe him... but he goes around and just lies to me again... im serious... is he a compulsive liar? didn't we get it all clear that as long as he just stopped lying to me, everything would be fine... but he persists with his old ways... and i catch them... now im more careful in believeing his words... he's so close to losing me forever... and he'll risk that with his lies... those fucking lies that tear me up inside because i cant believe they come out of his mouth... the same mouth that tell me words i want to hear...
dear heart:
happiness... what is that? what is the point of it? you feel some temporary high... but then it ends... like all things... it always ends... and all it does is make you unaware of the dangers in the world... all the things that can make you cry... you're so busy being happy... feeling all it's warm fuzzy sensations... then bam! the stab of dperession knocks on the doors of your hearts and you know it's all coming back... except this time... the smiles have taken your immunity for this kind of pain away... and you're left to feel the emptiness again... i say we should just stay fucked up... so anything stupid that goes on in our lives... wont be so unexpected and heartbreaking cuz it happens all the time and you're used to it...
guys... ugh! those bastards... they give you smiles... make them believe that its your to hold... when in the end... they take em back... in exchange for tears... i dont want tears... not anymore... im damn tired of crying over him... over you... over me...
on a lighter note...last night was the best time i've had in ages... just dancing again made me feel so alive... being with people... talking to people was like breathing in life... a new life that i hope to explore... is this what i've been missing... a high school life of dancing and parties and fun...? i gave it up for love... love that was never even returned in the end... love that didn't want to hold me forever... love that didn't love me... love that hurt and betrayed me and broke me as a person... but it was love... nonetheless... and i don't regret a second of it... i just look forward to more yesterdays...
dear heart:
memories... i hate competing with her memories... i mean... i don't mean to... it just happens... it's like i'm deciding whether he loved me or not... who he liked best... who his "favorite" was... quite trivial questions that shouldn't even matter right now... but you know what... it does matter... i wanna know if i was slightly special in his eyes... i wanna know if we meant anything to each other... and if this feeling of shit that i go through each day is worth it... is it, "tom"? or are these wells of sadness overflowing in vain? 14 months of wasted affection... wasted time with a guy who i was too blind to realize he didn't love me... so much sacrafice for nothing... where i got nothing in the end... no love... no boyfriend... no best friend... nothing... ok maybe something... my painful memories that i constantly have to compete with other people's to solidify its existence... ugh!
dear heart:
i think i know why i am still infatuated with "tom"... i am in denial... i don't think it really happened... i'm kind of hoping that someone will just tell me this was all a sick joke... just to derail my happiness for a bit... so i won't be so used to it... please someone, wake me up... this is a dream... a nightmare that i wish to wake from... let me wake up to knowing he is mine again... that he never belonged to anyone else... that he loves only me... please... i beg you... anyone? admit to me that its all a damn lie... i look at him... still see no intentions of cruelty... he's the same guy... he has to be... God... how pathetic can i get? its so sad to read this over and see myself wasting away over some liar... why did this have to happen to me? what did i ever do so wrong but love him? but you know what... give me time... cuz one day i will see it... i will understand the seriousness of this wound... and then i'm disappearing with the wind... flying with its many liberties... one day, i'll wake up... but not in the way i want... i will feel twice the pain that dwells inside... but by then... i'll be alive... and i will hate him... feel my living hate, u liar! i will know better than to talk to him at all... understand that he's no friend... that i have plenty of real ones... why must i be so fixated on this one? i'm lovable... and i'm trying to write sum meaningful poetry... even though it comes out as crap...
In your eyes, I used to see
That deep inside you did love me
But now it's empty, a blank stare
In your heart I'm just not there
In your eyes, I see her face
I guess with her I've been replaced
In your clothes, I smell her scent
I see her walk so confident
In your kiss I can taste her
Last night I know where you were
In your smile, I see your fun
Can only wonder what you've done
In your arms I feel her touch
Try to hide but it hurts so much
In your eyes you're far away
I know with her your heart will stay
In your heart, I sense her love
She's the one you're thinking of
In our tears, I see her laugh
You broke my heart in her behalf
In your voice, I hear her too
This break-ups long been overdue
In your eyes I search for me
But all I seem to find is she
I see the truth now in her eyes
Although your lips just tell me lies
Want me to stay? Can't understand
While you are still holding her hand
I'll leave today, won't agonize
I won't come back till I'm in your eyes
more coming soon... i will be writing more... if you have the number... feel free to interrupt the void... don't forget our rules now... only 5 calls per day... after that i'm not answering... haha... and maybe if u're good... u can end up keeping me... just kidding... :) im perfectly ok with me being the holder of my own heart...
DeaR HeaRT:
aCTuaLLy... THiS iS NoT aBouT Me... FoR SiN... a SoNG
"Again"
how can i be strong i've asked myself
time and time i've said
that i'll never fall in love with you again
a wounded heart you gave,
my soul you took away
good intentions you had many,
i know you did
i come from a place that hurts,
god knows how i've cried
and i never want to return
never fall again
making love to you it felt so good and
oh so right
how can i be strong i've asked myself
time and time i've said
that i'll never fall in you love with you again
so here we are along again,
didn't think i'd come to this
and to know it all began
with just a little kiss
i've come too close to happiness,
to have it swept away
don't think i can take the pain
no never fall again
kinda late in the game
and my hearts is in your hands
don't you stand there and then tell me
you love me
then leave again
'cause i'm falling in love with you again
hold me, hold me
don't ever let me go
say it just one time
say you love me
god knows i do love you again
i aPoLoGiZe FoR My aBSeNCe... i'Ve STePPeD ouT oF My MiND... i DiD NoT CoMe BaCK FoR GooD... i WiLL ReTuRN To THaT DaRK HoLe oF THe FoRGoTeN... Do NoT WoRRy aBouT Me... You WiLL SuRViVe THiS oN YouR oWN... i WiLL CoMe BaCK... BuT DoN't WaiT... CuZ iT MaY Be aWHiLe 'TiLL THeN... i HaVe NoTHiNG MoRe To SaY... eXCePT... LeaVe HiM, SiN... DoN'T LeT HiM HuRT You aGaiN... oPeN YouR eYeS... He DoeSN'T LoVe You... He FiNaLLy WaNTS You BaCK CuZ He HaS No CHaNCe WiTH HeR? You KNoW iF SHe DiDN'T Do aLL THaT "BiTCHy" STuFF... He'D STiLL Be CLiNGiNG To HeR LiKe THoSE STuPiD MoNKeYS THaT He LoVeS So MuCH... So DoN'T Be LiKe Me... Be STRoNG... RuN... aS FaR aWaY FRoM HiM aS PoSSiBLe... WHiLe THe HuRT iS STiLL FReSH oN YouR FeeT... DoN'T LooK BaCK... You DoN'T NeeD HiM... You NeVeR DiD... He WaS THe iNSeCuRe oNe... You CaN LiVe YouR LiFe WiTHouT ReGReT BeCauSe You KNoW You LoVeD HiM aS MuCH aS You CouLD... aND He WaS JuST Too STuPiD To HoLD oN To iT RiGHT... NoW You HaVe THe WoRLD aT YouR FiNGeR TiPS... TaKe aDVaNTaGe oF THaT... THe WoRST WaY To GeT BaCK aT HiM iS To FiND SoMeoNe WoRTHY oF You... aND LoVe THaT GuY WiTH aS MuCH oR eVen MoRe eNeRGy You GaVe To "ToM"... aND i KNoW THaT THeRe iS a GuY LiKe THaT FoR You... You'LL MiSS aLL THe oPPoRTuNTieS THaT's iN FRoNT oF You iF You KeeP LooKiNG BaCK... So SToP... LoTS oF PeoPLe CaRe aBouT You... Me BeiNG oNe... iF You eVeR FeeL aLoNe... We aRe WaiTiNG FoR YouR PHoNe CaLL... i'M HeRe FoR You, GiRL...
dear heart:
for some reason... i can't stop writing... i don't know if i'm annoying the reader... but i don't care... ya i'm talking about you... the one who's reading my thoughts through the computer... i don't care what you think... i'm writing for me... why are you reading this anyway... do you care about me? do you care what happens in my pathetic, meaningless life? or do you just relish in the fact that i'm hurting... and it makes you feel better... well feel better... someone might as well feel happy if it can't be me... ok so now i will ignore the fact that u're reading this...
i'm going to miss a lot of things... crying and knowing he'll be there... expecting a call from him each day... giving each other that knowing smile when we see each other... the way i felt so safe in his arms... knowing someone actually loves me... the way his clothes felt against my skin... how he called me his love... the way he could look at me and make me believe anything he wanted me to believe... the way he could lie to me to my face... or hearing the "i love you's" that didn't mean a thing... i miss it all... all the artificial joys he made me experience... i miss other things... like giving up my friends just so i could see him... to keep him happy... or never going to parties... so he would never have to feel insecure about me fooling around behind his back... not studying cuz talking to him was more important than everything else... annoying other guys by filing their ears with stories of "tom"... making them back off my ass because i thought "tom" deserved better than that... since he would never do such a thing (ha!)... or feeling so fucking sure of myself that i found a great guy... a special one who found me special...
in truth... all i miss is --> <--
my smile...
my crooked, yet genuine smile... now all that comes out are forced ones...the ones i use to make people stop worrying about me... i'm so tired of everything... i have a feeling that this is one of those situations that can go with that mirror quote... "A break up is like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself trying to fix it"
here are some more quotes donated from the mouths of truth:
no man is worth your tears; and the one that is won't make you cry... boys know how to break your heart but men know how to pick up the pieces... nothing hurts more than waiting since I don't even know what I'm waiting for... i live my life afraid of saying hello, for fear of saying good-bye... at least be there to wipe my tears if you're going to make me cry... in every life, there is one great love and one unforgettable heartbreak... sometimes you have to love someone enough to let them go... one day you'll love me, the way i loved you... one day you'll think of me the way ithought of you... one day you'll cry for me, the way i cried for you. one day you'll want me, but i won't want you... only a person who has not felt true love can move on in life saying 'There are lots of other fish in the sea'... if i love you this much and i'm not the one for you... then the one for you will be everything i am... and everything i'm not"
ok im over it...
i soooo want to pretend like i never loved him... deny everything that has happened between us... icky butterflies crashing into the walls of my stomache... like kamikaze pilots... it's not that good butterflies feeling... it's that constipated feeling of worry... next plan of action... listening to devil music and torturing myself slowly...
dear heart:
is it just me or has pink disappeared? i miss her... i need her soft views on love... and non-hating opinions of people... i don't know why i'm still alive... death has got to be better than this feeling... of just deep regret... stabbing my heart... making me tremble... im shaking... it's a periodic reflex now to awful thoughts of betrayal... midnight phone calls are my only means of survival... proofs that the world isn't all bad... people do care about you... *gosh... i'm not writing very eloquently... i'm talking to a guy and he's interrupting my thoughts... actually corrupting it... but he's keeping me company this early morning... and i'm thankful for his presence... he tells me that that he knows what this must feel like... cuz its happened to him too... but he can't know... no one could ever have felt this eroding feeling... this unbearable pain... pain that could just kill a person... it's killing me... slowly... eating away at my hopes and dreams... *hahaha*... lol... yes i am "laughing out loud"... don't worry... not from insanity... "arthur" is just really stupid... hehe...
ok... where was i? great... some janet jackson song is playing... and it's making me cry... stupid song... "could it be that this would be the one that lasts"... no idiot... that guy will break u... just like everyone else... i'm so tired of being lied to... im tired of songs filling my naive mind with hope... because i wanna be pessimistic again... i wanna expect the worst... so i will never be disappointed... but he is has fooled me into believing... fuck believing, ok? don't do that to yourself...
"please let me forget all those sweet smiles...
all of the passion... all of the heat... the peace... the pain...
and all those blue skies... where your words were my freedom...
please... don't let me fall in love with you again...
too many times... i've cared too much...
i stood on the edge... and saw that you held my hand...
knowing too well i couldn't hide from thos eyes...
please... don't let me fall in love with you...
again..."
(thanks to "arthur" for pointing this song out for me)
dear heart:
my heart still aches... it hurts to look him in the eye... he's been "with her" for 4 months it seems... so i was lied to for quite a long time... yes i guess i was pretty blind... i 've been fed lies for the past few months... and hungrily i have been swallowing them up... i guess i didn't want to know the truth... or i was just so oblivious because he was "tom"... "tom" was the good guy who could never lie to me... and i guess i was wrong... i've been wrong about a lot of things but i never knew it would be about this... guess it means i've been wrong about pretty much everything... i don't know people at all... guys in particular... they are ravenous, insensitive, greedy creatures that take many hearts to feed their appetites... i wasn't enough for him... even though i gave him everything i had... it was never enough... i can't be anyone else... i can't be "kim"... i don't know what's wrong with me... is it that i look ugly? fat maybe? short? i can't help those things... i'm sorry for what i am... but then again, i'm not... i love me... but he couldn't love me enough... i was even thinking of taking him back... yes... like an idiot girl... i would have given him a second chance... i don't know if i still lovehim or it's just i'm so damn attached... you can't even imagine the pain that's going inside me... it's like every few minutes... i think of what he's done to me... how he's betrayed me... and i feel a stab in my chest... followed by an over-whelming feeling of sadness... he is not my prince charming after all... but the evil sorcerer who has cast a love spell on me... only to use me for his own pleasures... oh, "arthur"... save me... from him... from this fake love... this fake, wasted love... ok... maybe it wasn't ALL wasted but the last 4 months sure were... everything wasn't real... every smile we exchanged... every memory we shared... were based on a lie... so it wasn't real... just an illusion to keep me... to make me stay in his dark prison... i was quite happy there too... i mean, you could see that... read previous entrees... especially on oct. 14... +sigh+ i didn't even spend his birthday with him... because he spent it with her... he's lied about everything, ok? i feel so very embarrased... i am seriously blind... like the "wild duck"... please, God... harden my heart... stop this pain... make me strong that i won't take him back... that i won't succumb to being a ragdoll that guys can use and abuse... because i am worth something... i do deserve better... maybe i won't find that guy now... but i know someday i will... and my heart will open again... so i can love... love like you can... love like any healthy person would... with trust, friendship, joy, and assurance... i don't know what to do... i've run out of tears so crying is not really an option... thank god cuz i look like a fucking goldfish... but i'm sure my spring of tears will rejuvinate and i will cry one again... tonight... when i'm all alone... that word has a whole new meaning... i really am alone now, huh? it's just not cuz im the only person in the room... but because no one is thinking of me in the world... and no one has really loved me... i'm still waiting for him... whoever he is... i hope he comes soon...
dear God... i know he's out there... somewhere... someone is thinking and waiting for someone just like me... the one i'm supposed to share my whole life with... and in time... you will show him to me... will you take care of him, comfort him, and protect him... until that day we meet... and let him know that one love's end is the beginning of a new one... that all the pain he is going through, someone feels it too... and that someone understands what it's like to be afraid to trust... and that someone is me... i will never hurt him and he would die first than let me feel pain... we will hold each others hearts and keep it in glass cases so nothing on this earth can ruin it... yes... by then we would have found the love to last a lifetime... wait for me... you know who you are (even thought i don't yet)... and don't despair because we will find one another... someday...
dear heart:
pieces... all i see are pieces of my broken heart... mashed bits of wasted love... how could i have been so stupid? trusting a guy... what the hell was i thinking... i should have known... what more can guys do than steal hearts and then be fucking careless with it... fuck... it was MY fragile heart this time... and you all know my hesitancy to give that shit away... but i did... and i was happy... he made me feel like a princess... now i feel like a prostitute... just his convenient whore whenever he was feeling alone... ugh!! i hate these tears... will they just stop already? one part of me misses him... i silence her... one part is still in love with him... i kick her in the face... one part wants to take some sweet ass revenge... we are currently discussing future plans...
ok... so i bet you're wondering about the juicy details on WHY that asshole is what he is... i can't even type this story without bursting into tears... it hurts to press every letter... droplets of saltiness cloud my eyes so its difficult to see the screen... but i must go on with my story... it has to be told... to warn every girl that even thought there is a prince behind every frog... some frogs are better left unkissed... for now matter what... they might look like a prince... but their froggy ugliness still dwell inside... so another way to say this is... behind every prince is a wart-filled toad who just wants some from you... ok... back to the story... i called him last night and he didn't answer his phone because he was "sleeping"... but he confessed to me that he went to a party... but nothing happened... but wait... you haven't even heard the half of it... everyone was drinking and a hot tub with a bunch of half naked hoes were in it... he is not one who drinks at parties... or at any time... he was my good boy... (note the word WAS) and i trusted him completely... he said he drank a little but went into a room and slept because all the comotion was bugging him... somehow that part didn't sound right... so i continue to question until he finally confesses that one of the half naked hoes was his ex-girlfriend "kim"... then his voice started to sound angry... almost defensive... "i don't care what you do anymore. it's up to you. but i have to tell you somthing." *crack *crack *crack goes my heart... i'm waiting for the inevitable but kinda hoping it won't come... this can't be happening... he loves me... we've been together forever... how could he even think of anyone else... he can't be cheating on me( and yes it is cheating even if you're not together 'cuz theres an unspoken agreement of loyalty)... he would never do something like that to me... he cares about me...but then he told me... with a serious, nonchalant tone... he was with her... i am still unsure to what extent is meant by "with her" but no matter what it was... it wasn't with me... it was with his "first love"... who again is not me... im the third love, i think... just a nobody... im not even sure if he even loved me... all these times we were together... did he wish i was her? when he looked into my eyes... did he see her? when he kissed me, was he imagining her lips? but that doesn't even fucking matter right now... someone who loves you could never do what he did... i hate him... with all the hate that this short body can produce... hate for the cross-eyed model and evil driving test people is now focused on him... my love... ugh! is this what love is? it can't feel this fucking bad if everyone is always looking for it... i can never love again... having to go through this twice in a lifetime is just murder...
+DEDICATED TO A BASTARD+
(you know who you are... ok... its "tom") don’t take my heart if you’re going to break it,
don’t make me fall if you’re not going to catch me,
don’t make my dreams come true if you’re waking me in the end,
don’t walk into my life if you’re not staying forever,
and don’t say you love me if you’re words just fade away
DeaR HeaRT:
ATTeNTioN eVeRyBoDy... a MiRaCLe HaS FiNaLLy HaPPeNeD... SoMeoNe BeSiDeS "KeN" HaS CauGHT My eYe... "NiCK"... YeS a ToTaLLy NeW CHaRaCTeR iN THiS DRaMa FiLLeD LiFe... He iRRiTaTeS Me iN SuCH a WaY THaT i WouLDN'T MiND HiM aS THe THoRN iN MY SiDe... FuN WiTH "NiCK"... i SaW HiS BoYiSH SMiLe aND MeLTeD eaCH TiMe iT TouCHeD My eYeS... HeeHee... MoMeNTS WiTH HiM... I FoRGeT THaT DuMMy "KeN"... aLL THaT CaN CoMPReHeND iS TiMe... TiMe SPeNT oN LauGHiNG... TiMe SPeNT oN FaKe FiGHTS WHeRe THe PuRPoSe iS To MaKe uP... TiMe SPeNT oN PReTeNDiNG NoT To KNoW eaCH oTHeR eVeN THouGH We aRe STaNDiNG LiKe SiaMeSe TWiNS... TiMe THaT'S TiMe SpeNT ToGeTHeR... ReSeRVeD FoR ouR MoMeNTS oF JoY... YeS, SiN... i HaVe aNoTHeR HaLF... DoN'T GeT Mw WRoNG... i'M NoT iN LoVe WiTH HiM... i THiNK... BeCauSe iTS NoT iN My CaPaBiLiTy To LoVe aNyoNe BeSiDeS "KeN"... RiGHT? My HeaRT HaS aLReaDy BeeN SToLeN So iT CaN'T Be GiVeN aWaY aGaiN... RiGHT?
THaT'S NoT eVeN THe PuRPoSe oF "NiCK" iN THiS SToRY... He iS My SiDeKiCK... My CoNFiDaNT... THe oNLy oNe WHo GeTS Me THaT DoeS NoT oWN THe SaMe GeNeTaLia aS Me... <-- iS THaT HoW You SPeLL iT? We CoNVeRSaTeD aND iT WaS LiKe He uNDeRSTooD aND ReaD BeTWeeN eVeRY iNViSiBLe LiNe... i'M PReTTy LuCKy THaT i FouND HiM aGaiN... He'S JuST WHaT i NeeDeD To GeT THRouGH My PuRGaToRy...
DeaR HeaRT:
a LoT HaS HaPPeNeD WiTH My WHoLE "KeN" SiTuaTioN... aND No... "KeN" DoeS NoT eQuaL CaRL... oK??? i'M SoRRY BuT i HaD To aDReSS THe e-MaiL oF MiSTaKeN iDeNTiTieS... PeoPLe CaN Be So SeLF iNVoLVeD... GRaCiouS... i ToTaLLy aGRee WiTH SiN'S LaST CoMMeNT... PeoPLe HaVe No RiGHT TeLLiNG uS WHaT To Do... LiKe "MaKe a NeW oNe... i DoN'T LiKe You CRaZy CHiCKS TaLKiNG SHiT aBouT Me aND TaSHa"... i'M THiNKiNG "WHo THe HeCK iS TaSHa? aND MoST iMPoRTaNTLy... WHo THe FuDGe CaReS?" So To ReiTTeRaTe WHaT i HaVe PReViouSLy CLaRiFieD... i aM NoT MeLiSSa WHo iS oBSSeSSeD oVeR You... WHaT KiND oF LoSeR Do You FiND Me To Be? i DoN'T THiNK You CouLD PaY Me To STaLK You... i HaVe TaSTe... THaT'S WHy i WaNT "KeN"... CuZ He iS a MaN... aND NoT SoMe iMMaTuRe BaBy LiKe You... So iF WHaT We WRiTe uPSeTS You, CLiCK THe X oN THe ToP RiGHT oF YouR SCReeN aND FoRGeT We eVeR HaPPeNeD aND THaT You FouND uS aT aLL... We aRe NoT ReaL... WaKe uP... You'Re oNLy DReaMiNG... oPeN YouR eYeS BeFoRe iT CoMeS TRue...
dear heart:
i have fallen in love... and it's not what you think... i have heard the most beautiful japanese song called suteki da ne... i have no idea what it means but i know the title means "isnt it beautiful"...
ok just had to add a comment... to all those who are arrogant enought to believe that we are writing about you in our entries... get over yourself 'cause we're not... you have no idea who we are talking about... and basically if our objects of affection sound too much like you, then don't trouble yourself in reading every entree if it scares you so much... our significant others are obviously not gonna have a link to these letters... we are not that stupid... so i am not melissa... you know who you are... and i'm definitely not talking about your insignificant relationship... i have my own to worry about... and thank god "tom" doesn't have online... or i don't think he does... cuz i seriously dont like or want him reading my personal private thoughts about him... everyone else can 'cause they have no idea what im talking about... please dont think threats of moving can make us create another blog cuz we damn like this one... it's like our home... so don't flatter yourself... no one has a secret crush on you... and your dumb girlfriend doesn't love you enough to write about you the way i do... so the end...
i DoN'T uNDeRSTaND THe DyNaMiCS oF THiS WHoLE STuPiD PeRSoNaLiTy iSH... i aM NoT THe aNGRy oNe BeTWeeN Me aND SiN... SHe iS... SHe iS SuPPoSeD To Be THe BiTTeR, MaN-HaTiNG B*TCH (No oFFeNSe, GiRL)... BuT iNSTeaD i HaVe BeCoMe HeR... We HaVe SWiTCHeD PLaCeS... i MaY eVeN LeT a BaD WoRD SLiP FRoM THeSe HaNDS... LiKe SH*T and F*CK... oK... MayBe NoT... BuT i'M STiLL eViL NoW... i FeeL CRaBBy LiKe i WaNNa THRoW JuNK ouT THe WiNDoW... uGH!
i'Ve JuST aBouT HaD iT WiTH THe WHoLE "LuCy" THiNG... THeY aRe NoW GoiNG To THe HoMeCoMiNG DaNCe ToGeTHeR... YeS ToGeTHeR... LiKe SiN DeFiNeD THaT WoRD So WeLL... "ToGeTHeR".... BuT iN My CaSe iT's "THeM" aND NoT "uS"... oH No, SiN... i'M NoT aS LuCKy aS YoU... i DoN'T HaVe a "We"... i'M JuST Me... PiNK... aLoNe aND By MySeLF... SoMeTiMeS i WiSH i CouLD HaVe SoMeoNe i LoVe aCTuaLLY LoVe Me iN ReTuRN... iS iT THaT HaRD? aM i THaT DiSGuSTFuL? i'M SuCH a NiCE GiRL... eVeRyoNe KNoWS THaT... iS THaT NoT eNouGH... MuST i Be aNoReXiC To WiN HiS Love? To Be BooBLeSS aND SKiNNy aND BeauTiFuL WHeRe My oNLy FLaW iS My ViRGiNiTy... i CaN'T Be PeRFeCT... i'M Me... THaT PiNK GiRL WiTH a WeLL oF iMPeRFeCTioNS... i'Ve MaDe WaY MoRe MiSTaKeS THaN GooD... i'M SoRRy FoR THe WaY i aM... eNouGH WiTH FeeLiNG SoRRy FoR MySeLF...
BaCK To THe HoMeCoMiNG THiNG... i FiRST HeaRD THe NeWS FRoM THe GRaPeViNe... FRoM a NoN-FRieND "JoSie"... i CouLD NoT BeLieVe iT... i DiDN'T eVeN GeT a CHaNCe To aSK HiM... oK... So i HaVe No CLaiM oVeR HiM... He iS aS MuCH HeRS aS He iS MiNe... MayBe SHe HaS a LiTTLe MoRe CLaiM THaN Me... BuT i DiD MeeT HiM FiRST So THaT HaS To CouNT FoR SoMeTHiNG... RiGHT?
dear heart:
a nod to the marvelous day i'm waking into... yes it was the best day in the world yesterday... take note... these are the few instances of happiness in my life... i can add one more to my very short list... you should see this extremely gay-tarded grin on my face... it's quite pathetic...
anyway... about my day... we just had the best time... heehee... look at me... im acting like an idiot... wuts up with the "heehee" shit... i act like such a girl when it comes to him... even though you all know i dress up like an ogre most of the time... but i cant help being this way... delicious memories such as these rarely come around for me... so i must relish in its delight... and the butterflies it gives me... and he actualy liked the thing i got him... i watched the excitement in his eyes as he played it like some little boy would... *sigh* how adorably cute... i just sat there gazing at him in awe... my "tom"... yes he is mine... no matter what anyone says... even though we are not together and i know he doesnt want to be my boyfriend... he is mine, nonetheless... his heart belongs to me and that's just damn good enough... i love him with all i have and i hope he sees that... that in every way i am his too... whether he wants me or not... because we are connected though our love for each other... and everything we've been through together... that's right... TOGETHER... read em and weep... just because we don't have the title... we are basically together... we are secretly taken by each other... me and "tom" are not "me" and "him" but a "we"... like how couples talk... "we did this last weekend" and everybody knows who "we" is... yes that is "us"... and "we" are happy the way we are....
THe BLiND iDioT iS iN LoVe WiTH a MoRoN... THe MoRoN... LuCy!!! i aM SeRiouSLy DeRaNGeD... i HaVe PRaCTiCeD aND PeRFeCTeD a BaD HaBiT oF HeRS... SuCKiNG oN My HaiR... iT'S QuiTe aDDiCTiNG... uNFoRTuNaTeLy, WHiLe He PaSSeD By My LoCKeR He TooK No NoTiCe WHeN i SuCKeD My HaiR ViGoRouSLY... So i FoLLoW THeM oN THeiR LuNCH DaTeS...
(NoTe: i aM CHaNGiNG "SPoT'S" NaMe To "Joe")WaTCH eVeRY SiNGLe PaiNFuL MoMeNT THaT i WiSH WaS HaPPeNiNG To Me... SHe iS NoT SPeCiaL... SHe iSN'T... i'M SPeCiaL... DaMMiT! CaN'T You See THaT? SHe WaNTS YouR CaR... NoT You... SHe JuST WaNTS To Be SeeN WiTH You... NoT You... SHe WaNTS YouR HoT BoDy... NoT You... SHe WaNTS YouR MoM'S aPPRoVaL aND DaD's CoMPLiMeNTS... NoT You... SHe WaNTS YouR LaST NaMe To RePLaCe HeR STuPiD oNe... NoT You... SHe WaNTS YouR SuPeRHuMaN GeNes FoR HeR FuTuRe CHiLDReN... NoT You...
BuT GueSS WHo WaNTS You...oNLy You... You GueSSeD iT... Me! THaT'S WHo! You CaN DRiVe a BeaT uP BiKe FoR aLL i CaRe... oR We NeVeR HaVe To Go ouT... JuST SNuGGLe iN THe DaRKNeSS oF a CoRNeR aND SHaRe SeCReTS... i DoN'T WaNT aNyTHiNG FRoM You.. THe FaCT THaT You aRe You iS eNouGH ReaSoN FoR Me... i JuST WaNT To TaLK To You aND HoLD YouR HaND... i WaNT To LooK iNTo YouR eYeS aND HaVe iT NaTuRaL To Say i LoVe You aT TH SaMe TiMe... i WaNT YouR HeaRT aND i WaNT You To HoLD MiNe... i KNoW You WiLL Be CaReLeSS... i KNoW i Will Be HuRT... BuT JuST aS LoNG aS i'M THe oNLy oNe WHo HaS YouR HeaRT... i'LL Be oK... WiTH THoSe THRee SiMPLe WoRDS... eVeRyTHiNG WiLL Be BeTTeR...
dear heart:
i'm waiting... just waiting... for my love... to come back home... i'm pretty happy with the way things are going now... everything is so perfect... just like before... like in the beginning... but why aren't things as simple as they were then? if things are going so peachy... then why isn't he mine? why are we not together still? answer me that... for im still quite confused... seriously... is it me? am i really not good enough for you? are you just stringing me along for your sick amusement? because that is just cruel... i love you... and you know with that you have complete power over me... for your birthday, make my wish come true and let's get back together... and i promise i will spend each day of this year making you glad you did so... "tom" please! i beg of you... im happy the way things are right now... but i kno what can make it better... and you are the only one who can do it...
dear heart:
today is "tom's" big day... i feel so... alone... cuz i don't get to spend it with him... i think these pictures are taking the poetic side out of me... i write like a dumbass now... but here's another drawing... hahaha..
happy birthday to my beloved... ugh! i wanted to spend today with you! come home and let me give you a reason to smile on your day... *sigh* i will be drawing the whole night... tell me what ya'll think of our artwork in our guestbook, ok, losers? thanks... i hate being un-dramatic and uninteresting... but that's all for today... may you have a birthy kinda day!
dear heart:
we have come to realize that we enjoy drawing... i have created a drawing of me... yes the picture of me in my crown... me as a princess, the way "tom" makes me feel...
i'm quite disappointed at myself... i've been unnaturally happy... and i do not like being used to such a temporary feeling...
iT'S BeeN So LoNG... DiD You MiSS Me? i'Ve MiSSeD You So... i HaVeN'T HaD a DeCeNT iNSaNe PeRSoN To TaLK To iN aWHiLe... STuPiD DaD WHo TooK oFF THe iNTeRNeT CoNNeCTioN... DoeSN'T He See THaT i Need You oR i SuReLY WiLL DRoWN iN My SoRRoWS aND oBSSeSSion... MaYBe i'Ve aLReaDY GoNe To THe BoTToM... i'M JuST HoLDiNG oN FoR DeaR LiFe iN HoPeS THaT "SPoT" WiLL FiNaLLY NoTiCe Me... aND FoRGeT HeR... DiD i MeNTioN HoW i HaTeD THiS eViL NoN-FRieND? HaS My NiGHTMaRe FiNaLLy CoMe TRue? HaS THe LoVe oF My LiFe, WHo'S BeeN BLiND FoR So LoNG, FiNaLLy ReGaiNeD HiS eYeSiGHT? aND THe FiRST GiRL He SeeS iS NoT Me... iT's HeR... THe SoMeBoDY WHo WaS TRyiNG To MeSH WiTH THe NoBoDieS... MaKiNG uS FeeL LiKe Her eQuaL... oNLy To STeaL THe VeRy LiTTLe LoVe We'Ve BeeN LuCKy eNouGH To STuMBLe uPoN iN THiS aBSuRD SCHooL LiFe... THaT B*TCH... eXCuSe THe LaNGuaGe... YeS, i KNoW iT's No FauLT oF HeRS... iT's NoT ReaLLy aNyoNe'S FauLT... BuT SHe's RuiNiNG My DaMN LiFe! aND iT'S MaKiNG Me FeeL iCKy aND VioLeNT... CuT HeR DiSGuSTiNGLy BeauTiFuL HaiR... SCRaTCH uP HeR iRRiTaTiNGLy FLaWLeSS CoMPLeXioN... FaTTen HeR NoT eVeN oBeSe MoDeL BoDy... oR CuT HeR BLaTaNTLy aRTiCuLaTe ToNGue So SHe CaN JuST SHuT uP aND He WiLL NeVeR HaVe To LooK HeR WaY aGaiN...
iT'S FuNNY HoW i'M NoT aS FiXaTeD oN HiM aS BeFoRe... i'M HaViNG a MoMeNTaRY oBSeSSioN WiTH HeR... LeT'S CaLL HeR "LuCy"... SHoRT FoR LuCiFeR... CuZ THaT'S WHaT SHe iS... aN eViL CReaTuRe SeNT FRoM BeLoW... i CaN See PaST HeR FaKe SMiLe... SHe iS DeFiNiTeLy NOT a NiCe PeRSoN... uGH! CaN'T You See THaT? SToP LooKiNG aT HeR aS iF SHe'S SoMe aNGeL... CuZ SHe iS "LuCy" FRoM DoWN uNDeR... aNyWaY... My PoiNT Was... i aM FoCuSiNG My STaLKeR aBiLiTy oN THe Hoe... i FoLLoW HeR... i WaTCH HeR eVeRy SLuTTy MoVe... i LiSTeN iN oN HeR WoRDS oR JuSt TRy To MeMoRiZe HeR MaNNeR oF SPeaKiNG... iT's aNaLySiS... i MuST uNCoVeR WHaT MaKeS HeR So SPeCiaL THaT He , oF aLL THe SPeCiaL BoYS oF THiS WoRLD, WouLD TaKe THe TiMe To NoTiCe HeR... i MeaN, i'Ve BeeN aRouND HiM FoR (WuT) THRee YeaRS NoW... aND He HaS DiSCaRDeD Me LiKe i WaS a FeaTHeR iN THe WiND... CaTCH Me... PLeaSe... oR GiVe Me a FeW DaYS To LeaRN To Be LiKe HeR... aND THeN You WiLL CHaSe aFTeR THiS FeaTHeR... JuST WaiT... So DoN'T Go PLuCKiNG THe FeaTHeRS FRoM THaT DeViL BiRD...
dear heart:
i feel like a pin is stuck up my ass...i didn't even join the work force this evening... no slave labor for tonight... i'm supposed to be doing psyche homework but i don't feel like it... i don't feel like anything right now... i just had a nap that made me really cranky... the only thing keeping this stupid grin on my face is the thought of "ken"... you kno what... that is quite an idiotic name... i think i'll change it to... "tom"... yes that's better... ol' "tom" visited me today... yes the joy of my pathetic little life... i wonder if he even knows what he is to me... such an oblivious simpleton that i'm madly in love with... can he see it when i look into his eyes? i feel no shame or feel the need to look away... i'm me in front of him... and utterly ecstatic that he "loves" me anyway...
this has nothing to do with anything... but i found a kindred spirit... look wut they wrote me... very touching...
And, through the mirrors
I saw myself running fast.
The glass slippers
broke into a million pieces.
I started to fly
with blood dripping from my feet.
I was free.
And, it started to rain crimson
on everything and everyone
I've learned to leave behind.
They tasted my blood
and new it was the last time
it would ever be shed.
And tears, mingled with the droplets of life,
teaching her world how to blooom.
dear heart:
yesterday was a good day... i spent it with "ken" and we went out as if nothing has changed... even though both of us know everything has... yes i love him... yes he wants me... it's just... DIFFERENT! but last night... i got to take off my ogre costume for a few hours... and i dressed up as any princess would in that fake beauty... but i am not complaining...it felt wonderful being with him... next to him... holding his hand like we were a couple again... time stood still for us... the world was nothing but a rock... and time was merely an illusion... we were happy... and we were together... and that was all that mattered really... happy together... sounds kinda nice... i hope this isn't the last of that tho...
aahhh! why don't i feel like a bitch right now? i feel like giving to charity... stop making fun of perverted old clowns... and screaming at the top of my lungs how happy i am! that witch... or shall i say, warlock... he's changed me... and i'm not sure if that's such a bad thing...
i MiSS You... eVeN THouGH i NeVeR SHoW iT aNyMoRe... i LoVe You... eVeN THouGH i'Ve NeVeR ToLD You BeFoRe... PLeaSe SToP LooKiNG aT Me LiKe THaT BeCauSe You KNoW HoW MuCH iT TouCHeS Me iNSiDe... THiS iS THe FiRST TiMe i See You WaTCHiNG Me... HuNGRiLy... FRoM aCRoSS THe RooM... You WiTH YouR FRieNDS... Me WiTH My NoN-FRieNDS... aND aBoVe aLL THe CoMoTioN aND FuN THaT'S RaDiaTiNG FRoM YouR SiDe oF THe RooM... You aRe eYeiNG Me... iF i WaS THeRe WiTH You... i'D Be LoST... i WouLD KNoW NoTHiNG oF THiS PaST WeeKeND... aND HoW FaDeD SoMeoNe GoT... i WouLD Be CLueLeSS To aLL THe TReNDy THiNGS You WiLL Do... i WiLL Be THe NoBoDy WHo GeTS STuCK iN THe MiDDLe... aS THe WHoLe WoRLD PaSSeS Me By... BuT NoW You aRe iN THe MiDDLe... THouGH You aRe a SoMeBoDy... You DoN'T JoiN iN WiTH THeiR CooL PeoPLe TaLK... iNSTeaD You CoNNeCT WiTH Me FRoM aCRoSS MaNY uNCHaRTeD TeRRiToRy... You aRe LooKiNG aT THe NoBoDieS... My NoN-FRieNDS... aND Me... YeS... iT iS ReaL... YouR eYeS aRe SeT oN Me... My HeaRT iS ReeLiNG... YouR eYeS THaT KNoW Me So WeLL LooK DeePLy... iNTo Me... i aM eXPoSeD... You KNoW eVeRyTHiNG THeRe iS To KNoW aBouT Me... THiNGS i DoN'T eVeN KNoW... YouR LaSeR STaRe iS So iNTeNSe... iT'S aS iF You'Re LooKiNG PaST Me... PaST Me... aND MayBe YouR eYeS aReN'T FoCuSeD oN Me LiKe i SoMeHoW THouGHT THeY WeRe...NoT iN THaT "oH My LoVe" SoRT oF GaZe... BuT THe "THaNK GoD You'Re THeRe aND i'M HeRe" KiND... aND i TuRN My Head JuST a BiT To See You aRe LooKiNG PaST Me... aT HeR...
YouR Her(?)... My NoN-FRieND... YouR eYeS aRe WaTCHiNG HeR MoVe... aND TaLK So iNVoLVeD iN a NoBoDy CoNVeRSaTioN... YeT SHe HaS GRoWN WiNGS... BeCauSe oF You... BeCauSe YouR LooK MaDe HeR a SoMeBoDy... SHe uNKNoWiNGLy eLeVaTeS aBoVe THe NoBoDieS... aND SoMeTHiNG HaS HaPPeNeD To HeR THaT HaS NeVeR HaPPeNeD To aNy NoBoDy... SHe WeRe SeeN By a SoMeBoDy.... aND i HaTe HeR... i HaTe You...
dear heart:
pink got me to thinking of the million and two things i miss sharing with him... god, how i'd love to slow dance with you! floating among the stars in the comfort of your arms... i'd feel your cotton shirt against my blushing cheeks and know this is what heaven must feel like... we dance to the music with a hundred other lovers who like us don't know how lucky they are... how lucky of me to have a prince to dance with... yes i will be your princess for one night... even though that is just the thing i loathe... but for tonight, just one night... i am your princess... and you are my prince... making all my girlhood fantasies come true... i try not to admit how long i've been waiting for you and hide the joy in my eyes... but i'd like to thank you... for this night... where i don't hafto pretend like i'm tough... cuz all the mama tua's in the world want to be a princess... deep down inside you know what i'm talking about... yes tough girl who can't be hurt... i kno your dreams of being someone's princess... i know because i've dreamed them too... and one day our dreams will come true... and we don't have to hide behind our scowls and intimidation... for love will bring us our white horse and we won't have to walk around alone and bitter...
*looks around* i forgot where i was for a moment... i'm not a princess and my dream has not come true yet and i wait... just waiting hopelessly with all the other ogres for someone to find us and free us... but i'm in my reality again... and that is a very lonely place... and i should know better.. i'm not supposed to dream the impossible... don't have faith... for faith sets you up to be let down... and i can't handle that anymore... so i put on my ogre suit... practice my evil looks... i'm ready for the world...
DeaR HeaRT:
"SPoT" LoVeS HeR... i HaTe HeR... WHoeVeR SHe iS... SHe STaNDS PeRFeCTLy PoiSeD iN HiS SuNLiGHT... SWaYiNG iN THe WiND... BaTHiNG iN THe CooL DRoPS oF HiS aFFeCTioN... PLeaSe DoN'T Be PeRFeCT... i'M No GooD... i CaN'T CoMPeTe WiTH SoMeTHiNG LiKe You... You'LL aLWaYS be GReaT iN HiS eYeS... aND i aM JuST THaT iRRiTaTiNG PiMPLe oN YouR iVoRY FaCe... STaNDiNG NeXT To You MaKeS Me FeeL a BiLLioN TiMeS SMaLLeR... iT's LiKe a RoCK BeiNG CoMPaReD To a STaR... WHaT CHaNCe Do i HaVe? i RoCK MySeLF BaCK aND FoRTH PRaYiNG i CaN GeT THRouGH ToNiGHT... THaT i CaN GeT THRouGH THiS LiFe... BeiNG THe SHaDoW oF aN uNKNoWN GiRL... WHo HaS No iDea SHe iS My DReaM-KiLLeR... My HoPe-iNFLaTeR... My LoVe-TaKeR...
WiPe My TeaRS aND TaKe Me To BeD... TeLL Me SWeeT LieS aBouT YouR LoVe FoR Me... MaKe Me BeLieVe i'M WoRTH DyiNG FoR... LiKe You aRe FoR Me... iF oNLy THoSe WoRDS NeeD NoT Be LieS... aND You ReaLLy Do KNoW My PaiN... THaT You WiLL SPeND THe ReST oF YouR DaYS MaKiNG iT uP To Me... THaT WiLL PuT Me To BeD... aND i CaN CLoSe THe CuRTaiNS oF My GRieF aND LeT MySeLF SLeeP... BuT THiS TiMe... You aRe NeXT To Me aND i HaVe No NeeD FoR My FooLiSH DReaMS... BeCauSe My uLTiMaTe DReaM iS SLeePiNG BeSiDe Me...
i WaNT To Do a MiLLioN aND TWo THiNGS WiTH You... THoSe LiTTLe THiNGS THaT CouPLeS TaKe FoR GRaNTeD... LiKE HoLD YouR HaND... oR GiVe You a SMaLL PeCK eaCH TiMe We MeeT... TeLL You THaT You HaVe FooD iN YouR TeeTH... PiCK SMaLL BooGeRS THaT i FiND... FiX YouR HaiR WHeN You THiNK iT'S MeSSy... HoW eRoTiCaLLy TaNTaLiZiNG To Be aBLe To LooK aT You aND NoT HaFTo TuRN aWaY aND KNoW You DoN'T WaNT To aS MuCH aS i Do... To JuST SiT NeXT To You aND Not FeeL So iNViSiBLe... aND You CaN RuN YouR DeLiCaTe MaN FiNGeRS THRouGH My DuLL HaiR... BuT You DoN'T MiND THe KNoTS... BeCauSe THe KNoT iS MiNe... aND You LoVe Me... So You LoVe My KNoT... i'M SQuiRMiNG WiTH DeLiGHT JuST THiNKiNG oF iT... You LoViNG SoMeTHiNG aBouT Me...THe ThouGHT iS JuST DeLiCiouS... i CaN TRy To iMaGiNe HoW You'D LooK aT SoMeoNe You LoVe... WiTH THoSe eYeS THaT i GeT LoST in... You'D LooK aT Me WiTH TeNDeR eYeS FiLLeD WiTH aWe... YeS... i WiLL SLeeP LoVeLy ToNiGHT... THaT THouGHT CaN KeeP Me SaNe... *YaWN* oFF To See SPoT RuN...
dear heart:
the day seems brighter... i don't feel as melodramatic as usual... i feel like a normal person for once... is this what being "ok" really is? not being sad not mad... just not feeling much but "chillin'"... haha...im off to universal studios with my hunny... my him... and im so very excited... i've missed him so much... is tomorrow going to make everythign better or worse? my failing heart is homeless... will you please take me back? it's so lonely here with everyone else... i just want to be with you... only you... im worn out and tired of everything i have done with my life... it's gotten me nowhere... well nowhere i want to be and thats with you... is it that much to ask for at least one person to worry if i get home safe? ok.. i'm stopping... i don't want to say sumthing clever, poetic or mildly inspirational... im tired... good night cruel world... let me find my peace in my dreams...
SiN... I FeeL Ya, GiRL... LiFe SuCKS LiKe THaT... i GueSS He FouND ouT aBouT ouR SeCReT WoRLD... aND NoW We aRe NoT FRee To Be WHo We aRe aGaiN... THe ReaSoN We eSCaPeD ouR oLD LiFe WaS iT WaS Too GeNeRiC... i GoT TiReD oF BeiNG JuST LiKe eVeRyoNe eLSe... CauSe We BoTH KNoW We aRe NoTHiNG LiKe THeM... aND WHo WouLD WaNT To Be.. YeS We DoN'T BeLoNG aND We WiLL NeVeR FiT iN aNyWHeRe... CHeeRS To THaT! i'M NoT HeR... i'M NoT You... i'M Me... THaNK GooDNeSS FoR THaT... i'M oDD... i'M eVeN... WHoeVeR i aM i WiLL NeVeR Be LiKe aNyoNe You KNow... aND THaT'S WHaT MaKeS Me MoRe SPeCiaL THaN eVeRYoNe... BeCauSe i'M NoT LiKe THeM... NoT eVeN CLoSe... BuT WHoeVeR We aRe... i HoPe ouR "HiM'S" LoVe uS FoR THaT...
P.S.: My "HiM'S" NaMe is "SPoT" HeeHee
deart heart:
you think you are soooo smart... like you can see right through me... through my tragic smile and tears that are poison from my solitude... abandon all hope if you think you can understand me... because there is nothing to understand... i am a cynical bitch behind this perky idiot facade... and that is all you need to know... i cannot always be happy, and i am not most of the time... in fact... i've been happy only a few times in my life... so few that i can count them on my hands n feet... damn you and all others who think they know me... cause you don't know shit... i mean, i don't even know me... how can you? well the ironic thing is... i can see through you too... through that tough macho act... or that damsel in distress act... i am talking to you... yes you... the one with the many faces... so many that its hard to keep track of who you are... but i kno who you are... you're bitter and angry and you hate everyone... just like me... you hate those who can't be like you and those who don't want to be... you want to believe in something or someone but the world is so imperfect there is nothing left to believe... so believe in yourself... even though that's the last thing you want to do... stop hating yourself for hate is contagious... and u will learn to hate those you love... after hate has had its toll on you and used you up till theres nothing left of your humanity, it will kill those around you if it hasn't already...
dear heart:
yes i am writing again... and i am VERY upset... ok... whoever wrote on our guestbook and said "had a wonderful night" or some shit like that... just pissed me off extremely!! was that you... or you? well "ken" happened to read it and made something of it... UGH! there goes the "i love you"... thanks "brian"... if i ever had a lovely night with you, please remind me cuz i would love to remember what happened... but if nothing did... don't be a dumbass and stay stupid shit like that!
ok obviously he has taken back his words of love... go ahead... don't believe me... because i speak the truth... i don't give a fuck what you think... i just know that i love you and i would never do that to you... but if you can't see that... then don't... no one is forcing you to... i sure am not... go on with your life believing what you want to believe... but i've given you the truth... and you can do wutver you want with it... deep down inside, you know me better... i'm too scared of losing you to do sumthing selfish like that... ugh... bite me...
dear heart:
why the hell do you hurt so much? everything is going crazy... yes... even crazier then it normally is... him told me he loved me too.. lets call him "ken" to distinguish from pink's him... (pink, call your him a code name too) why did "bob" say sumthing like that? did he mean it or was he just saying that to shut me up? AAHHKK! wut is going on? i thought he moved on with his life... i thought he wanted me to also... so why the hell does he still love me? he can't love me if he's hurting me like this... er... or maybe i'm hurting me like this... but it's his fault, you kno! he was the one who didn't love me enuf to be with me... er... or maybe i was the one who didn't love him enuf to wait... no! it can't be! this is not all my fault! no way! do u think he suffered too? "ken" did i hurt you too? did you feel all the anger n resentment i felt wen we parted? it's my fault huh?
i PaSSeD By HiM aND He aCTeD LiKe i WaSN'T eVeN aLiVe... iT FeLT LiKe GeTTiNG STaBBeD iN THe HeaRT RePeaTeDLy By a SaMuRai SWoRD... aND You KNoW WHaT HuRT MoST? i JuST PaSSeD HiM WiTHouT So MuCH aS a LooK aND CoNTiNueD oN WiTH a FaKe SMiLe... iT HuRTS To SMiLe... BuT i TaKe My TeaRS aND HiDe iT iN a DaRK CoRNeR oF My MiND... MuST NoT LeT aNyoNe See, MuST NoT SHoW HuRT... HeLP Me! PLeaSe? iT HuRTS... So Bad... i JuST WaNT THe PaiN To SToP... CaN'T You See THe PaiN? iT'S FLaSHiNG ReD iN My eYeS... CaN You LooK PaST My SMiLe aND See THe TeaRS?? oH, He WHo SToLe My HeaRT... LooK aT THe Me THaT You KNoW iS iNSiDe... CuZ i KNoW You KNoW iT'S THeRe... uNTiL You Do... i WiLL KeeP oN WeaRiNG THiS ToRTuReSoME SMiLe... To PRoVe To You THaT You aRe NoT HuRTiNG Me... eVeN THouGH eVeRy Day You KiLL a LiTTLe PaRT oF Me... iT'S oK... CuZ i'LL KeeP oN SMiLiNG... YeS... SMiLiNG...
dear heart:
wow... i didn't have time to write yesterday... i was just so pissed off at the world i couldn't even make time to tell you what idiotic thing happened... ugh! why is it SO wrong to love him? i mean, was it my fault he made me feel special? was it my words that made me believe in forever? was it my touch that made me realize what true love felt like? no... it was his.. it was HIM! it was YOU! i just break down everytime i see him... love isn't that easy to hide... so yesterday was the last straw.. i finally got to talk to him face to face... so i said it... right there, out loud... i said, "idiot, i love you." actually i didnt say the idiot part... but i was thinking it in my mind... anyway... i told him i loved him... really loud so he couldn't avoid it anymore... and then the idiot said the stupidest most hurtful thing he could say... "i love you too.."
ToDaY He LooKeD aT Me... HiS eYeS DuG iNTo My SKiN BeYoND WHaT eVeRyoNe eLSe SeeS... aND My HeaRT iS BeatTiNG So HaRD i'M SuRe He CaN See THe PouNDiNG THRouGH My SHiRT... THe BiLLioNS oF PaiRS oF eYeS FoCuS THeiR aTTeNTioN oN uS... We aRe TaLKiNG... iN FaCT, You aRe THe oNe WHo SPoKe My NaMe!! i TRieD To KeeP My CooL BuT You KNoW Me... aLMoST aS WeLL aS i KNoW You... aND You CaN FeeL Me BReaTHiNG HaRDeR WiTH eVeRy SeCoND THaT PaSSeS WHeN You aRe NeaR Me... iF i WaS a PLaNT, We CouLD Be eXCHaNGiNG GaSeS... iNSTeaD oF THeSe LoNGiNG LooKS aND TRiViaL CoNVeRSaTioNS... YouR WoRDS SoaK iT'S SWeeTNeSS iN My eaRS... WHaT aRe You SayiNG? aLL i NoTiCe aRe THoSe LiPs THaT i'Ve BeeN LoNGiNG FoR aLL My LiFe... PLeaSe SToP ToRTuRiNG Me... SHuT uP! ooPS... i SaiD iT aLouD... aND YouR CoNFuSeD LooK TeLLS Me i BLeW iT... You WaLK aWay THiNKiNG i'M a MeNTaL CaSe... aND LeaVe Me FoR THe WoLVeS... THe PaiRS oF eYeS TRaNSFoRM iNTo RaVeNouS MouTHS THaT FiLL WiTH LauGHTeR... i BLeW iT...
dear heart:
fuck all this bullshit drama! i'm tired of it... i'm tired of fighting, i'm tired of crying... and most of all i'm tired of him and his bullshit! what the fuck do wou want from me?don't build me up and shoot me... thats my job, hun, NOT YOURS! you paint little wings on me and push me off a tower and expect me to fly... empty wings and empty promises... that's all i fucking have! and you wonder why i have no heart... YOU have it, you idiot! and you're doing a bang up job holding it for eternity... is it so wrong to want to see you? im not asking for much!!! i've given you all i have... my love, my body, my pride... im offering them to you... and all u do is take take take... give a little u stupid bitch! you can push me out of windows or off of towers and expect me to fly... but just be down there to catch me in case i fall... yes i kno... love is my suicide... but i'd kill myself over and over just to feel the love you had given me before... once upon a time...
oh and pink... that guy who can't see how much you love him... it's not you... it's him! he's a faggot! he's chasing the ice cream man for a lick of that popsicle stick... so don't worry girl... you aint turning nuts like me... i was born crazy anyway... love just helped me develop that... http://neolithiq.net/X/
WHaT iS iT aBouT Me THaT RePuLSeS HiM So? i'M So HeLPleSS... LoVe Me DaMMiT! My HeaRT iS THeRe To TaKe FoR GooDNeSS SaKeS! GeT THe THiNG aWaY FRoM Me FoR aLL iT BRiNGS iS Pain... PaiN THaT CouLD BRiNG aNy MaN To HiS KNeeS iN TeaRS... PaiN THaT WouLD MaKe a SaNe PeRSoN CRaWL iNTo a DaRK CoRNeR aND RoCK THeMSeLVeS BaCK aND FoRTH... HeHe... SiN iS STaRTiNG To HaVe SoME iNFLueNCe oN My THouGHTS... NoW i'M GoNNa Be iNSaNe LiKe HeR... BuT LoVe DoeS THaT To You... MaKeS You a LiL NuTS... BuT i HoPe iT's aLL WoRTH iT iN THe eND... MaYBe oNe DaY He'LL See WHaT a GReaT THiNG He iS MiSSiNG... THaT i'M aS GooD aS iT GeTS... i CaN LoVe HiM MoRe THaN aNyoNe eVeR WiLL... BuT FoR SoMe ReaSoN He DoeSN'T WaNT iT... iS iT BeCauSe He'S STuBBoRn or iS iT Me? WiLL i NeVeR Be GooD ENouGH FoR You..?
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(NoTe: i aM CHaNGiNG "SPoT'S" NaMe To "Joe")WaTCH eVeRY SiNGLe PaiNFuL MoMeNT THaT i WiSH WaS HaPPeNiNG To Me... SHe iS NoT SPeCiaL... SHe iSN'T... i'M SPeCiaL... DaMMiT! CaN'T You See THaT? SHe WaNTS YouR CaR... NoT You... SHe JuST WaNTS To Be SeeN WiTH You... NoT You... SHe WaNTS YouR HoT BoDy... NoT You... SHe WaNTS YouR MoM'S aPPRoVaL aND DaD's CoMPLiMeNTS... NoT You... SHe WaNTS YouR LaST NaMe To RePLaCe HeR STuPiD oNe... NoT You... SHe WaNTS YouR SuPeRHuMaN GeNes FoR HeR FuTuRe CHiLDReN... NoT You...
